Finding Those Answers

I woke up today feeling all sorts of anxiety and stresses, which is a very unfamiliar territory for me. It was also in that very moment that I realized I had to meditate and focus on the "now" rather than all of the "what ifs." The past couple of days has been extremely challenging for me. I've been going through a myriad of [negative] emotions, which I believe to be detrimental to my mental health and of course, I spent a majority of my time bombarding myself with less than unproductive questions. Situation #1 "What would it take for my mother to get off my case in regards to my career?"

Situation #2 "This pain in my chest. Do I have acute bronchitis?"

Situation #3 "Why hasn't he texted me back?"

Etc. Etc. You get the picture. Lots of questions, very little answers. So about twenty minutes ago, my head began to hurt, my heart felt heavy, and I knew there was only one thing that could possibly bring me back to my mojo ---> meditation. I sat there and breathed. After five minutes, I began to recoup my thoughts and then a strange epiphany hit me. I finally figured out why I've been going through such a downward spiral and it had everything to do with the questions I was asking as well as my approach to them. What did I decided to do next? I decided to purposely change my perspective.

Situation #1: No matter how hard I try, at this point in time, it's nearly impossible for me to impress my mother. For months, she has tried to persuade me to take a well-trodden path. "Honey, I think it's time for you to get a boyfriend." "Why don't you try finding a more stable profession?" "You really should look else-where." While this 'outlook' in life may work for some, certainly, it does not go well with someone who has a spirit as wild and untamed as mine. However, when all said and done, I love her dearly and her happiness is important to me, which explains why I've been feeling so sad because I knew that I could never be the daughter she wanted me to be. Yes, I could try explaining all of this to her and trust me, I've tried many times in the past, but at this very moment, I need to be productive with my time and show her that my dreams are worth it. I don't want to ask for any more validation from others and it's tiring trying to make someone else's happiness your end goal. I genuinely do believe that if and when I get the chance to execute my goals and find my happy place, my mother will be happy for me as well.

Lesson learned from this experience: If you have a dream, don't let anyone take that away from you so smile, nod, agree, and then do whatever the fuck that makes you happy.

Situation #2: Falling sick was something that's semi out of my control. Yes, I chose to go to that music festival. No, I didn't get to pick the shitty dusty AF location. Because I suffered from "bad allergies"," prior to this experience, it only made sense that my condition would worsen following the event. After plenty of persuasion, I decided to drag my butt to the doctor's office yesterday only to learn that it was a severe case of allergies (again).

In order to improve this situation, I've been drinking plenty of fluids, getting a good amount of rest, and drinking my medicine consistently. Although I've had better days (physically), I can tell that my body is slowly and surely recovering. I give it another five days or so before I'm as good as new.

Lesson learned from this experience: Your body is a temple so take care of it. Also, if the event is outdoors, wear a bandanna/mask next time.

Situation #3: Conversations were flowing. There was an obvious undeniable chemistry right from the get-go. Meeting this person happened nearly by chance. The funniest thing is that if the person I was waiting for actually showed up that evening, perhaps, we would have never ended up at the same place, same time. In a sea of thousands, we had a moment that belonged to us.

You'd think by now that I'm able to separate pseudo emotions from real ones, however, it's rare for me to find someone I can have an instant connection with. Therefore, I treasure it whenever I somehow stumble upon a person who actually makes me feel nostalgic enough that maybe, just maybe, I'll try for once. But after days of wondering why our conversations are now as fleeting as the moment that brought us together, I finally accepted the fact that natural progressions will end and that the strongest interpersonal relationships are built over time.

Lesson learned from this experience: If you ever find parts of yourself missing, do not search for them in somebody else.

Overall, it has been a trial-and-error sort of deal and one of the biggest breakthroughs I've received from all of this is that I can only learn by failing over and over again. I have failed to gain my mother's approval. I have failed my body and health. I have failed keeping and stabilizing a new potential relationship. My life consists of me consistently failing in all facets of life; on the contrary, failing has enabled me to learn more about myself, my strengths, and my weaknesses. While I could sign up and take a bunch of seminars on how to succeed, I am the woman I am today because I've learned not to fixate on what's expected of me and I'm happy to know that I've continued to ask myself questions every day. However, it's time for me to enhance these questions and focus on the things that matter aka my career, working out, good friends. If you're having a bad day and you're reading this, just remember that if you fall flat on your face some time or another, at least you're moving forward ;)

Fight On!