Walk Away, I Dare You

"Don't tell yourself that it's toxic. If you do, you're only going to want it more."

My nephew made a valid point when he said that sometimes, it can be extremely difficult to rid a bad habit of ours. For me, it was him.

Despite the numerous of times I told myself that I could not fall for this person, it took me quite awhile before I realized that I unconsciously did something I swore not to do. I fell. It wasn't a hard-hitting fall, but I managed to get a couple of scrapes here and there, which explains why I haven't been feeling like myself for the past week or so. Because no matter how hard I tried to 'forget,' the memories would come flashing back more vividly, more real than ever before. It was like I could replay the accounts of what we had in my head and I did just that. Over and over again. The way he looked at me. The way he would randomly pull me into his arms. I never thought in a million years that I would be next to someone so aesthetically beautiful (talking about him like he was a piece of art because at the time, he was) and get to call that very same person mine. But despite all of the good, I knew right from the start that what we had was unhealthy for multiple reasons. One) He didn't make me feel beautiful. I'm not talking about my physical appearance, I'm talking about my soul. Two) He didn't empower me in any way. Three) We have different ethical codes.

Being with him exhausted me mentally whether I liked it or not. And so as soon as I was able to catch on to those cues, I knew that it was time for me to make a decision. Stay and be unhappy or walk away and set myself free.

I chose the latter. I chose the latter because after a breakup and minor failed what-could-have-been-relationships, I deserve to be happy. I deserve a person who is not just an artwork, but a masterpiece. I deserve so much more than whatever it is that I was receiving and it saddens me that it took me this long to realize all of this. At the same time, I am feeling optimistic and a little bit brighter every day. You see, one of the most awesome things about dating is that you get to learn more about yourself every time. Through your successes and your failures, you'll take these attributes (whether they are good or bad) and grow into the person that you are meant to be. I know that we usually have the tendency to view the past as something better than what it really was, but let me just tell you right now that the present is absolutely magnificent.

I am feeling better. Not significantly better, but I can feel my body growing stronger as well as my state of mind. I've been increasing the intensity of my exercises, eating and fixing my diet, and keeping good company around.

And you know what? I think I'll be okay [: